How am I feeling?
This is a perfect question for my first blog post on my new site. I used to have a popular blog twenty years ago. Paperback Writer was more of an underground news source. Doubt this blog will take me out to the streets to cover art, or murders, or to be used as a prod to poke at city leaders and stuffy journalists. Those were the good old days. I think the best thing is to answer one simple question at a time. Why not start with, how am I feeling?
Unmotivated some days. But isn’t that a lot of writers? Rising costs, immigrants incarcerated in detention centers, Americans being murdered by military police thugs, health care woes, people hating each other even on the streets. Too much outside stimuli can ruin a day of writing. Yet, I see books getting published left and right, so I know many writers are more motivated than they admit even in today’s oppressive climate.
Some days, and sometimes some weeks, I can only stare at a blank page, or rewrite something I’ve already rewritten a dozen times. Is focus the issue? Just what is happening to me as a writer? (I ask myself this all the time). How am I feeling? That’s key isn’t it? A writer has to feel in order to create empathetic characters and stories. A writer has to feel in order to be an artist. And that means, at least for me, I have to be feeling all right. Not perfect, and not just good, but all right. Kind of zen, yeah? I have to feel all right to be able to write with a clear head. If not then the words will be a jumbled mess—they’re often a jumbled mess lately.
Some days it’s not about me but how am I feeling about the publishing industry? Believe me, that can affect a day’s writing output. And some days lately that means, not very well. But that’s the thing too—regardless of how I’m feeling about publishing, that shouldn’t matter. It should come down to how badly do I want to see my long-form work in print again. That alone should be what motivates me to finish my current projects. I have to remind myself of this over and over.
I’ve been revising a dark fantasy novel, but some days I ask myself, is this the right project for this moment? I don’t always know, and might not even know even after handing it off to an agent. So I ask, how am I feeling about the story I’m working on, about the characters, about my ability to sell? My answer depends on the day. Right now in this moment, I’m feeling all right.
These are all heavy questions, and I hope to keep coming back to them right here on my blog, my diary, whatever you want to call this. I might agree with myself some days, disagree or contradict on others. That’s the beauty of this kind of self-imposed blogging. I’m going to keep searching for answers and hopefully have good writing news to report. Truth, though? Some days will be filled with motivation. Others, desperation. Some days maybe I’ll feel completely lost only to find myself again in the morning. I think all of that is okay. It’s the journey of the artist. And that’s still what I want to be.
